SCOTT DETROW, HOST:
Neighborly conflicts are pretty common and often bring out raw emotions. And while not every conflict can be solved, many can be addressed in a low-stakes way. From NPR's Life Kit, reporter Kyle Norris has some tips to start those tricky conversations with your neighbor.
KYLE NORRIS, BYLINE: If you live around people, sooner or later, you'll deal with the neighbor's loud music or yapping dog. If it's really impacting you and you'd like to try addressing it with your neighbor, first, figure out the big thing you value, also known as your underlying need. That's what Sasha Philip says. She's a mediator and arbitrator who helps people solve their conflicts. Philip says, imagine two next-door neighbors. Neighbor one has a big tree with pine cones, and the pine cones drop onto the lawn of neighbor two, who's not thrilled.
SASHA PHILIP: They'll come in and say, well, your tree is littering my yard. I want you to take down the tree. And the other person might say, well, I really value trees. I moved to an area where there are trees because I really like trees. I'm not going to take this tree down.
NORRIS: So both neighbors have strong opinions about what the outcome should look like, but it's hard to find middle ground when that's the case. So instead of focusing on their positions, Philip teases out their needs.
PHILIP: I need a clean yard. Cleanliness is really important to me. And for the other person, nature is really important to me. Feeling like I'm surrounded by nature in these big trees is really important to me.
NORRIS: One solution - the neighbor with a tree sends over a younger relative a few times a year to clean up the pinecones in the other neighbor's yard, and each person's needs are met. Once you know your need, decide if you want to suck it up and live with the situation or take appropriate action. Your approach will set the tone of how communication will go with your neighbor. So this is a big moment to bring your best self and have a good attitude.
MOONWATER: We can't control the behavior of another person, but we can show up in a way that's going to invite them to participate in a smooth way or with ease.
NORRIS: That's Moonwater. She's the executive director of the Whatcom Dispute Resolution Center in Bellingham, Wash. Both Moonwater and Philip say your best option is to reach out to your neighbor in person in a quiet, unruffled moment. Philip says if you don't know your neighbor, start by saying hello.
PHILIP: Introduce yourself. Humanize yourself. Tell them, hey, I'm your neighbor. I don't think we've actually met before.
NORRIS: Keep the conversation neutral at first, and don't immediately dive into the problem. I asked Moonwater to roleplay what this might sound like with an imaginary neighbor playing loud music.
MOONWATER: OK, knocking on the door. Hey, neighbor. How are you doing?
NORRIS: Notice she does not jump into the problem.
MOONWATER: I might tell them that I dig their tunes. I also am trying to prepare for a big day the next day, and I'm hoping to get a little sleep, wondering if they might be able to turn them down just a bit. That's pretty different than, what the bleep are you doing with your music? It's way too loud. Turn that bleep off.
NORRIS: Don't do anything that feels unsafe. That could mean you bring a friend or neutral party with you when you knock on your neighbor's door, or that can mean you leave a note, which both experts say is the second-best option because it can be tricky to nail the right tone in a letter. The ultimate goal here is to establish a connection with your neighbor so you can talk things out. You could also reach out to a community mediation center. That's a place where trained professionals help people communicate with one another and come to some kind of understanding. For NPR News, I'm Kyle Norris. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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